That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He better not be in your backpack
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
And then he peed in my hair
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