I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just invented taco cereal.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
