Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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