I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
