I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
