True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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