i think my mom watched the whole time
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
birth control should be required to get into college
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
