im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
