wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
