uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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