I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
