The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
