saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
