dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
