he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
