omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
