You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
