I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
