Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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