how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
