Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
