the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
