We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
