You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
