Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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