She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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