My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
