Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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