I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
