Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
