Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
