we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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