Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
