If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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