Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She bit a glass in half.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
