he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
