im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We had to coat check the pizza.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
