maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
