Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
