I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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