im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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