Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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