Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I want her autograph on my taint
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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