Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
