You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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