i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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