Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
