he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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