Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
