I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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